TeamNoKids, my world and I can't have children.

Things like this bug me a little bit, perhaps some "not all" are only trying to keep a strong face.

On the outside they smile and joke but they feel they are dying on the inside.

It may just be a way of accepting not being able to have children.

I remember when my doctor told me I had to have a hysterectomy and would not be able to have children. My previous appointments were full of "as long as you have a uterus we will get you pregnant."

When she told me I had to have a hysterectomy, it felt as if someone had completely ripped my lungs out.  My stomach started lurching. 

But, I made jokes. I smiled and laughed saying how maybe now with that idea out the window my husband might travel the world with me and we could be nomads.

In my head I was screaming, tears burning at the back of my eyes. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I held it together, until I got to the car.  Then I lost it, I spent a long while slumped over the seat of the jeep crying and hyperventilating. 

The day we were scheduling my surgery I wasn't as many smiles and she sneered at me "You have been hemming and hawing about having kids any how".  I wanted to claw her eyes out, I always made jokes about it because I knew the very strong possibility was there I would not have children.

I avoided the baby sections of stores like the plague walking around the whole store just to get from point A to point B.  I still do avoid it but not like I used too. It is a thing I have come to accept even though it still hurts.

I tell people I don't like kids all the time. I sometimes even scream EWWWWWW when they touch me. It's my way of coping.

To be honest, it probably didn't help I had just lost my mom right before this along with other problems we had, for me it was a dark year.

For those of you who have kids when you are talking to someone about them not having kids and how they can just be a foster parent, or adopt. Just, dont, don't do it or say it.

You have had your children, the person you are talking to will not have the chance to experience the 9 months of bonding, the mood swings and all other good and bad of feeling a child growing inside them.

Adoption is extremely expensive, so is childbirth. But, with adoption you have to pay upfront and if you don't have the funds you don't get a kid.  I am pretty sure they don't cork up pregnant women so they can't give birth or repossess the kid if you can't pay your hospital bill up front.

As for being foster parents imagine raising your child for a short time knowing there is a strong possibility that child will be torn from your family and you will not see them again.

Personally I can see that being easier for those who have children, they have the joy of raising theirs so they can look at it that the short period of time they showed that child a lot of love and improved their lives.

For me, that would leave another dark hole. I know how I get attached to friends kids or some of my ex's. When they are gone from your life it hurts like hell.

So if I make a comment about not having kids and how great it is, that's my mouth trying to protect my heart. Because my heart is screaming "Why!"

It sad that in a world so hateful people can have massive amounts of children they do not care about some doing unnatural hateful things to those children. People that want children can't have them have to sit back and watch these things. This isn't saying it doesn't affect parents who love their children. I am just saying it is just another slap in the face for those who can't.

Okay, that was my yearly go crazy rant.  I try to keep them at a minimum. I think I was just in a mood and needed a break down.

A very sporadic and nonsensical rant

  I have read a lot of comments online that attack people for being fat, obese, whales, cows and who knows what else. It is nauseating. Many thin people believe there are no medical reasons that it is only because the people are lazy that being fat is just a way of "thinking". There is Cushions, thyroid, diabetes even depression many others but that is to name a few.

 The depression issue I have always had problems with and thought more of a scape goat (Slam me if you must, Oh great lovers of Freud the Freak.) My reasoning in this being when I was 16  I was pinned with dunt-dunt-dunt-duh "DEPRESSION". Biggest crock, they had me plastered with all kinds of drugs. Guess what it didn't work yes I was sad and had issues. For crying out loud I was 16 and supporting my mother and myself because of her health issues. Yes I am going to be down but do you think your stupid " Happy Pill" is going to help that? Um no the situation needs to change for me to be a " Happy Monkey." So I have always been a bit skeptical on this specific medical issue.

 That is not to say that  depression is not an issue that can not be cured in some with drugs. I more believe that for a lot of people it is "conditional" not "chemical".

 OK, now that I have strayed from my course and have you all scratching your heads, I only brought that up for my next point.

 Myself I do not consider my husband and myself paupers by any means, BUT " always a but", every week when I go grocery shopping I get really, really sad. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE fresh fruits and veggies. I would live off of seedless green grapes, banana's, spinach and brussel sprouts if it would not put us in the poor house.

 Now if our financials being as they are only allow a very small portion of these wonderful items to come home with me so I may enjoy their yummy goodness? What about people with a lower income than ours?

 So people are allowed to ridicule others because the sight of their "jiggly stuff" makes you cringe? Yet those who are cringing do nothing to help with the situation. You know who you are!!! Those same people you cringe over are probably on their feet moving around at their little piss-ant job more most just to be rewarded to go down to their local Big Retail Store " No names mentioned or insinuated". To have to bypass the good stuff like fresh meat, vegetables and fruits and go to the canned and frozen section to buy their .50 cent pot pies or .69 cent can of ravioli.

 I know this feeling I have been there and there are some weeks hey still have to skimp a little, but it is not right to persecute people for getting by how they can. No not everyone has a great education, guess what that will never happen, guess what else you better be happy of that as well. If everyone had a good education then your over paid job is in danger. Without those that barely get buy and work for nickels you could be them because then there is no one to work all the retail and other B.S jobs that some feel beneath them but wait a minute if everyone has a degree there will not be enough jobs of any current market for those degrees to employ everyone. So your four year, eight year or however many year you spent getting an " education" you have just made yourself one hell of a smart burger flipper... Yay you go team.

  This is not to say "All" obese and over weight people are "lower income". It may  be they just want or need someone to work out with them. It is called say it with me now " Motivation"... Some need another's voice confirming what they are doing is good.

 OK, some could say that could fall into the whole "mental" aspect. You tell someone over and over they are stupid day in and day out guess what they will start believing it unless they are very hard headed and they don't care what others think. So if you can't think of anything but negative to say to someone that does have a weight issue you are not going to do them any good or help the problem.

 While on this kick this is an example that really IRK'S me. Men who like to give their wives hell about their looks and weight. Yeah she may put on weight and she may not be a super star but if you love her don't be an ass to her. I have seen a lot of my friends go through this, and myself being the sweet docile type creature I am... "Yes, I am going to hell for that one already have a condo reserved." I tend to come unglued.

 Some of the things that I heard these guys say and the dog wouldn't even play with them these men were so ugly! Not just physically but emotionally, and mentally.  So before you start telling your wife "or anyone for that matter" to loose some weight or to wear makeup make sure you are in your prime shape and looking  DAMN good. There are ways of doing it so you are not being offensive and the other person will respond to it as a gesture instead of an attack of who they are.



 So a few ideas if you just can't stand others weight issues.

Offer to be a work out partner, coach, life council  and support system to someone who needs it. Not a belittler or asshole.

 Talk to your city or town council and maybe start a community garden so people have a chance to "work out" in a garden " AND" have a real chance of having something a little healthier than fried crap.

 Just a few suggestions and yes I know this post is all over the board and makes little to no sense what so ever but thats OK. It made me feel better and thats what it was written for.