A question asked

Someone asked me a question today, it really got me thinking.

They asked me what I wanted, I naturally assumed they meant as my next steps in life. So I started spouting off a job, my own place and friends and then they stopped me.

"No, what do you want from another person. What have you been missing, wanting and needing."

It hit me in a strange way, an almost shocking way. I thought about it for a bit before responding.

The want and need for someone that loves me. Good, bad and indifferent. That I can feel safe with, in their arms nothing can reach me but the person holding me. They would wipe away my tears and the sorrow with it.

Someone who would take control, not for the love of dominance but to be my guide and rock. To know I can be safe no matter what because he will protect me. I had always been the one to protect and care for those I was with. I want to know what it feels like to have the same.

I want someone that has as deep of a connection to me as I do them. They can feel me when I am close, they know my next move even if it isn't something I have done before. I crave that sort of connection with someone. Not just saying the same thing at the same time but something deeper.

To know if I were standing in a room full of other women no matter what they may look like, I know I would be the one he would always chose.

Passion, not just in the bedroom but in all of our moments together and some when we are apart. Kissing me as if he had not seen me in months every morning and every evening.

Someone who would argue with me one minute and fall into bed laughing the next. Then great makeup sex just because.

They realize I may like pretty things, but, I amuse easily and a flower picked from the side of the road can bring a tear to my eye quicker than a dozen store bought roses.

Most of all someone that makes me feel stronger as a woman, but knows that I would still find a thrill in making his dinner and rubbing his back because he is what I desire. Not that I feel obligated to do so but a need to do it.

One that knows I am his biggest cheerleader and always by his side and he at mine.

Separating after 9 years

After over 9 years together in a row, my husband and I are now separating.  No blame will go to either side.  We have both messed up through the years but now we have come to a point where nothing seems to work anymore.

We were together, yet so far apart.  Right now I am terrified, I haven't had a job in 8 years what the heck do I do?  My mother is gone and honestly feel I have no where to turn.  After such a long time I have to find myself again, learn how to work, to make friends and most of all be alone.

I am 37 and starting again. Not knowing if I will sink or swim is scary, but, in a way exciting.  I am going to try to have a job and a place to live within a month.  Let us see what happens.

Wife of betrayal

So, last night I hurt my husband very deeply. If I were a better sort of woman the pain in his eyes would have warmed my icy heart, instead I laughed.

Walking through Wal-Mart getting last minute items before he left out for another week away from home I realized I didn’t have to worry about what I was having for dinner tonight. I went shopping yesterday morning and picked up a few items so he could have a choice for dinner last night.

I let him pick between brauts or chicken, I failed to mention with the chicken I would be making asparagus with mushrooms and steamed carrots. I made a comment that I would just have asparagus tonight and he stopped dead in his tracks, mouth open. A look on his face as if I had just said “I am leaving you”.

I am now an evil wife since I did not mention he would be having asparagus with his chicken. He picked brauts so as not to put me through too much trouble. I suppose he deserves a nicer wife who tells him his FULL menu choices before letting him make a decision. But, he is stuck with me.

Tonight I eat asparagus enjoying every bite while thinking about his disbelief at my betrayal. I love you honey 💋

TeamNoKids, my world and I can't have children.

Things like this bug me a little bit, perhaps some "not all" are only trying to keep a strong face.

On the outside they smile and joke but they feel they are dying on the inside.

It may just be a way of accepting not being able to have children.

I remember when my doctor told me I had to have a hysterectomy and would not be able to have children. My previous appointments were full of "as long as you have a uterus we will get you pregnant."

When she told me I had to have a hysterectomy, it felt as if someone had completely ripped my lungs out.  My stomach started lurching. 

But, I made jokes. I smiled and laughed saying how maybe now with that idea out the window my husband might travel the world with me and we could be nomads.

In my head I was screaming, tears burning at the back of my eyes. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I held it together, until I got to the car.  Then I lost it, I spent a long while slumped over the seat of the jeep crying and hyperventilating. 

The day we were scheduling my surgery I wasn't as many smiles and she sneered at me "You have been hemming and hawing about having kids any how".  I wanted to claw her eyes out, I always made jokes about it because I knew the very strong possibility was there I would not have children.

I avoided the baby sections of stores like the plague walking around the whole store just to get from point A to point B.  I still do avoid it but not like I used too. It is a thing I have come to accept even though it still hurts.

I tell people I don't like kids all the time. I sometimes even scream EWWWWWW when they touch me. It's my way of coping.

To be honest, it probably didn't help I had just lost my mom right before this along with other problems we had, for me it was a dark year.

For those of you who have kids when you are talking to someone about them not having kids and how they can just be a foster parent, or adopt. Just, dont, don't do it or say it.

You have had your children, the person you are talking to will not have the chance to experience the 9 months of bonding, the mood swings and all other good and bad of feeling a child growing inside them.

Adoption is extremely expensive, so is childbirth. But, with adoption you have to pay upfront and if you don't have the funds you don't get a kid.  I am pretty sure they don't cork up pregnant women so they can't give birth or repossess the kid if you can't pay your hospital bill up front.

As for being foster parents imagine raising your child for a short time knowing there is a strong possibility that child will be torn from your family and you will not see them again.

Personally I can see that being easier for those who have children, they have the joy of raising theirs so they can look at it that the short period of time they showed that child a lot of love and improved their lives.

For me, that would leave another dark hole. I know how I get attached to friends kids or some of my ex's. When they are gone from your life it hurts like hell.

So if I make a comment about not having kids and how great it is, that's my mouth trying to protect my heart. Because my heart is screaming "Why!"

It sad that in a world so hateful people can have massive amounts of children they do not care about some doing unnatural hateful things to those children. People that want children can't have them have to sit back and watch these things. This isn't saying it doesn't affect parents who love their children. I am just saying it is just another slap in the face for those who can't.

Okay, that was my yearly go crazy rant.  I try to keep them at a minimum. I think I was just in a mood and needed a break down.

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